My Milky Thoughts

In a previous post I mentioned we have been having milk issues. I still am at a loss. I'm still not sure how this is happening. I'll start from the beginning I suppose. For the past two and half months we haven't had any issues with milk going bad. I've let it sit up to five days before she's had to use it and it's always been fine. This past week we had the milk in the fridge for two days. Adam warmed up the bottle to give her and she gagged. We tried it a couple of times and she still gagged. I tried to taste it and it tasted like puke. Sorry for the vulgarity, but it was nasty. Adam tried it just to make sure it wasn't me and he nearly threw up. Now I've tasted my milk before (as weird as it seems) to make sure I would know what "normal" is. It has always been very sweet with no after taste. I felt sorry for my little girl that we had tried to poison her. So we threw away four ounces of milk. It's bad enough when you accidentally spill it but to have to pour it down the drain makes you feel ten times worse. It's liquid gold, and it's very hard to come by, especially for someone in my boat.

So, on Tuesday last week at our weigh in, I asked the LC what could be going on. She said it could be excess lipase. Lipase in an enzyme that breaks down fat in your body. When it is expressed in milk it helps the baby break down the fat. Since breast milk is mainly water and fat, it breaks down easily. When you have excess lipase is causes it to breakdown sooner than necessary. Generally the lipase only causes the milk to taste "soapy" not rancid. The LC said that over the next week we would need to smell and taste each bottle before we give it to Bella. She said excess lipase is rare, especially because we've been fine for the past two plus months. The prior incident, I smelled before tasting and it had no smell at all. So there are two conclusions. One, it was something I ate, or two, it is excess lipase.

The following few days I continued to pump. Adam tried to give her another bottle and she gagged. He didn't taste it before hand. After tasting we concluded it had gone bad. It sat for 48 hours and was again broke down to the point she couldn't eat it. We then tasted the remainder of the milk in the fridge and none of it was good. We had to throw away fourteen ounces of hard earned liquid gold. So from that point we started logging the time I pumped and how much was in each bottle. Our goal was to use each bottle within at 24 hour window. So far it has worked and we haven't had to throw any more milk away. However, I can't keep feeding her the excess milk. Sure she'll take the bottle from us like any baby, but she's being overfed. Right now I am so depressed about the situation, I've contemplated giving up breast feeding all together.

I have to continue to pump to keep up my supply. There are very few occasions that constitute giving her a bottle. Therefore the milk will continue to go bad, or the problem will resolve itself. I've had thoughts of, "oh it's something I ate", "maybe its too much caffeine", "perhaps I'm dehydrated and need more water." Last night instead of sleeping I kept thinking in my head what I really wanted to do. I love the bonding time we get while nursing, I love how she looks at me with her big blue eyes, or dozes off from contentment. I love how she flattens her hand out and holds it up for me to massage. I love how she gets happy and pulls back just enough to crack a smile while maintaining suction. I don't know how I can possibly end this relationship, but at the same time I don't know how I can continue on. To me it feels like failure, like I would be letting her down. There is no good solution to the storage of the milk. No, I don't feel that giving her formula is bad, we've done it all along when we had to. It just blows knowing that my body is being stupid and doing something I don't want it to.

I just need to know that all of hard work, struggles and perseverance have been worth it. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing by sticking to my guns and giving my daughter the nutrition she needs. I need to find away to not look down on myself for this "milk going bad" issue. I guess I am extremely lucky. My husband allows us the lifestyle of me staying home with my little girl. She is able to nurse full time and I should be extremely thankful for that. If I were working this situation would be ten times harder on me. I'll make it through, I just need to know that I'm doing the right thing. How will we know what the right thing is?